How to Stay Calm, Controlled, and Not Get Angry (Even in the Heat of the Moment)

You know what it’s like to be angry.

Someone did something to you, and you didn’t like it.  Then, you suddenly feel a surge of fire coming up from your stomach to your head.

Sometimes, you act your anger out, and ruin things.

Sometimes, you don’t. You don’t want to ruin anything. So you take time to let it subside.

But you keep on sulking.

You find yourself going in circles, reliving the incident in your head.

Hell, you even feel like you should have “let him have it” and acted it out right then and there.

You know you are being ridiculous. You know being angry doesn’t really solve anything.

You don’t want to be a slave of your emotions. You want to be calm, peaceful, and in control.

Yet, you just can’t stop being angry.

Stuff happens to you at the most unexpected times. When you are caught off guard, how do you stay calm in the heat of the moment? You simply can’t keep yourself under perfect control all the time.

The fact is, you can’t really blame yourself. Not getting angry is hard, if not impossible (unless you are the Buddha or something).

The good news?

You can still be Zen-like and peaceful even in the heat of the moment. Better still, there is a practical, systematic way to train yourself to achieve that.

Here’s how.

The Only Way to Free Yourself From Anger, Once and for All

I will teach you the practical steps a little bit later. It’s not that hard, really.

But first, let’s do an experiment.

Put a pen into your hand. Lift you hand. Let go of the pen. Let it drop.

That’s it. Easy?

Do you know what this “experiment” tells you?

The answer:

You must possess the pen first before you can let it go.

Same thing with anger. If you don’t even know that anger is brewing inside of you, how can you let go of it?

In fact, it works the other way round. As a Buddhist parable goes, “If you don’t guard your house, it will be invaded and taken over by others.”

If you don’t possess you anger, it will possess you.

The moment you are aware of your anger, you are guarding your house. When you know anger is there, you will not be taken over.

The only way to dissolve your anger once and for all, is to simply know it.

Easier said than done, no?

Provocation happens so far and between, you just couldn’t be ready for them all. The moment you let loose, a random guy pops up and pisses you off.

Well, unless you are mindful all the freaking time.

But you can’t suddenly decide to be mindful 100%, 24/7, unless you are a super-devoted monk that lives in a monastery.

Truth is, even they are not mindful all the time!

The Secret to Skyrocketing Inner Awareness in Your Daily Life

Even though it is impossible to stay mindful and Zen-like all the time, you can still be mindful in the heat of the moment. All it takes is some training.

How?

You learn introspection. You learn to face your own emotions and thoughts, even when nothing is provoking you right now.

For this, I am going to teach you a special meditation designed for this purpose.

Hint: It is not the breathing meditation everyone already knows.

The breathing meditation you see everywhere is a form of Concentration Meditation. Its only purpose is to increase your ability to concentrate. It has only one point of focus, namely, the breath.

In breathing meditation, you only acknowledge emerging thoughts briefly before you return to breathing. Because concentration is the focus here (no pun intended), your emotions are rarely addressed.

On the other hand, to become the master of your anger, you should practice Insight Meditation. Instead of your breath, you pinpoint all your emotions and thoughts, and you focus on all of them.

When you study every sensation, thought and emotion, you will notice their rise and fall, formation and dissolution.

With practice, you will realize that you are aware of your own inner thoughts, even in your daily lives where you are not meditating. This is because even if you are not trying to be mindful, you mind is now trained to recognize inner thoughts and emotions.

And when the much dreaded comes, you will instinctively recognize the rise of an emotion, and act accordingly.

How to Practice Insight Meditation in a Nutshell

Sit comfortably. Close your eyes.

Start breathing. Focus on the feeling of each in-breath and out-breath.

When you do this, you realize that you gradually lose focus. You mind wanders away from breathing.

Thoughts start to emerge. Your legs begin to tickle. Your back hurts. Noise begins to irritate you.

Inner dialogues begin to flood your mind. Your mind starts replaying the scene where you got angry.

This is good. Actually, this is exactly what you want to happen.

You are utilizing your breathing as a tool to excavate all the underlying thoughts, emotions and sensations inside of you.

Now, how do you make the most out of this?

Switch your focus to the anger. (If you are not angry right now, focus on the emotion you elicited.) Forget about breathing for a moment.

And just observe.

If it is a mental movie, watch it without judgment.

If it is a tirade of complaint, listen to it without judgment.

If it is a burning fire, feel it without judgment.

Your anger is only the result of your mind reacting to some outside stimuli. It is just a normal function of your brain.  Like any other thoughts, it is impermanent.

The more you watch it, the more you will gain firsthand insight on this truth. The moment your mind clicks, the anger will dissolve on its own.

Above all, just remember this: Don’t fight your anger.

Fighting amplifies it, not the other way round. Your resistance will create extra persistence of the emotion.

So accept it, and enjoy it.

Accept anger as if it is your arms (or legs). Make friends with it, even. Be grateful that you can even get angry.

Why shouldn’t you? Anger is a part of you. It is a normal function of a mentally healthy human being.

Like your extremities, your anger is a useful tool. Like pain, anger is a signal of threat so that you can protect yourself. You don’t hate on your arms when they hit something and feel painful, right?

Here’s What Happens When You Make Friends With Anger

You may not know it consciously, but each time you sit down to face your emotions, you learn something about yourself.

This is what Buddhists call insight. As your insight grows, you will realize you begin to have more and more self-control.

In Buddhism, we have a saying like this:

“All teachings are but a finger pointing to the moon; and he who only looks at the finger will never see beyond. Even if he catches sight of the moon, he still cannot see its beauty.”

In short:

No one can tell you how to master yourself but to guide you onto the right path.

Life is full of struggle and doubts. Yes, life is unfair. Bad things happen to you even if you don’t want them to.

You get angry every now and then. Nothing wrong with that.

But instead of getting blinded by anger, sometimes the best thing you can do is to just sit down, and listen to it. It’s hard, no doubt.

But give it some attention. Give it some time.

Because it is only then can you choose not to act on your anger.

Only then can you make a conscious choice of your own.

And you will be calm, peaceful and grounded, even in the heat of the moment.

So, what do you say?

What about making friends with anger, starting from today?

What To Do Next

If you want to learn more about self-control and mindfulness, here is the good news:

I have written a super-detailed and step-by-step guide on it. Even better, you can download it right now for free.

This free guide has more and better information than most of the meditation books on the market, including those that sell at a premium price.

Take a look at it, and you will know more about mindfulness than most people in no time.

Click here and download it for free. And you will be on your journey to wisdom and happiness.

8 Comments

  1. says

    Being in the moment and accepting things as they are, allows one to be more in flow than in the restless state of trying to hold on and control and always fighting with the universe. I am learning, but not there yet.

    • Blon Lee says

      Yes. And insight meditation elicits feelings and emotions, so that you can train yourself to accept them in a more controlled environment. And when the real thing comes, you are more prepared to accept them and let things go. We are all learning! Thanks for your comment Cassandra 😊

  2. Michelle says

    Wow, what a refreshingly fabulous take on tackling a fierce emotion! I’ve gained much from this piece – I can already feel that the example you gave about the pen is going to stay with me for a long time. Thank you very much for…. yep, I’m going there too…. sharing your insight 🙂

    • Blon Lee says

      Thank you Michelle 🙂 Insight meditation really is underrated and ignored by the mainstream. I hope you’ll try it out sometime!

  3. Beth says

    This article is so timely! I have been experiencing anger recently due to unacceptable behavior by a family member, It wasn’t directed at me but I am effected by the aftermath big time and it p*sses me off! Then I bash myself for not being more “evolved” and not being able to move past it. After all this is just an opportunity to decide who I wish to be, or how I wish to show up in this situation, right? And I can make the higher choice to behave in a way that better serves me and who I want to be, but I still inside can be seething!! Grrrrrrrrr…..
    SO, this is great this suggestion to make friends with it instead of resisting it! Allow it to just be and explore it! I feel better already just reading this and can’t wait to experience the results of meditating on it. Many many thanks Blon!! Namaste.

    • Blon Lee says

      Thanks Beth. If I were you, I wouldn’t beat myself up for being angry. It is normal to get angry when you are offended. It makes us human.

      The important thing is that you should be okay with being angry. Don’t fight it, tell yourself that what you are feeling is normal. And if you have time, I would definitely suggest you to sit down and watch it for a moment. You will realize it is just like any other emotion – it will pass eventually.

      Then I would suggest you to talk to your family with a cool head. Understanding is important, you know, it minimizes the chance of pissing each other off again in the future 😉

      Hope this helps!

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